One Foot Out of the Closet

I’ll introduce myself. I’m a sophomore in college, studying Computer Information Technology. I’m also a member of a fraternity. My story all kind of starts back in high school though. My freshman year, I was just kind of joking around about being gay with some friends, but then I started to think that I might be. This led me to coming close to hurting myself at times, but thankfully, an older girl I knew was able to help me out and discourage me. After that, I didn’t really think about the possibility of not being straight that much.

After going through high school, hiding my feelings inside of me, I got into college, and come my fourth semester, I started to think about it again. This time though, I was freer. My parents are great, and I love them to death, but they’re rather homophobic, causing me to push my emotions down. However, after I had a year and change to settle into college, and find my place and freedom, I started to consider the possibility of not being straight. I am not sure if I am completely gay, because I’ve had good experiences with women, but I thought I may also be into guys.

About my fraternity. I’m very glad to call these men my brothers, and I see it as an honor, and wouldn’t change it for a minute. However, my house is based on Christian ideals, and seeks to recruit Christian men. I myself am religious, and the president of my church, funny enough. However, everybody needs to find themselves. I realized early on that I couldn’t tell my brothers because of this. The other day, our national fraternity advisor came and visited. He told a story about a brother in a different chapter who came out to him as bi, and following his presentation, I told him my very similar story. He was very supportive and gave me some advice.

I will say that it isn’t easy trying to realize what I really enjoy with all the peer pressure to be with women, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Also, being bi in a fraternity makes for some intriguing experiences.

I have yet to experiment with another guy in bed or anything, but I have been on a couple dates, and it does feel right. So, in short, I know how tough it can be, and that’s the life I’m living currently and probably for a bit longer, considering most of the people I interact with have no idea I have these feelings. Only a few of my closest girl-friends know about this, and it’s been great to be able to put my thoughts down on paper.

For now, I will continue to think through what I do and give myself the freedom to explore these feelings, knowing that I am ok, that nothing is broken or wrong, just part of who I am.